Once again, the great dance that is the NFL playoffs has begun, and I'm left dateless.
You see, the football fates have never been kind to me. The 2 teams that I pull for have had a combined total of 3 playoff appearances since the start of the 1998-1999 season. All 3 were spectacular losses...Buffalo got spanked by Miami in 1999, lost to Tennessee on a forward pass that the refs said wasn't in 2000, and da Bears were roundly thumped by the Eagles in the last game ever at Old Soldier Field.
So every January, I try to find a team to root for for a month so I can at least have a little fun during the playoffs. A couple years ago, I pulled for the Buccaneers, since my Dad lives in Tampa and has jumped on their bandwagon..and they went all the way. Last year, I pulled for Carolina and they made it all the way to the Big One, but fell victim to Adam Viniateri's ne'er-miss right foot.
This year, I decided I'd pull for Seattle. It's the most beautiful city in the country, my Mom lives there, they have a great stadium, rabid fans, cool throwback unis and their all-time leading reciever went on to be a Congressman. But alas, they fell victim to the Rams and their ping-pong offense, so by 7:00 I needed to find a new flavor of the week.
No worries though, there was always the Chargers! 13-3 in the regular season, coached by the legendary Marty Schottenheimer, and Doug Flutie's their backup QB. Surely they'd thump the lowly Jets, right? WRONG. Nate Keading pulled a Scott Norwood, Doug Brien pulled an Adam Vinatieri, game over, Chargers go home.
I like the Broncos and really have no feelings for the Colts (there's something about teams who pack up in the dead of night and move that's a little unsettling), but knew that the three-headed Manningharrisonjamesasaurus would prevail over Jake the Snake...and I was right.
As a Bears fan, I'm supposed to hate the Packers. But as I've said before, I really don't. I have nothing but respect for the little team that plays in the little stadium in the little town up where Jesus lost his snowshoes, and I really wanted to see them thump the pampered punkass Vikings on the frozen tundra of Lambeau. But Brett Favre threw picks, Ahman Green dropped balls, and that damned Randy Moss hobbled all over the field and send the Packers, well, packing.
So what's a football fan to do?
Let's see who's left:
Indy: Like I said, they don't do anything for me. They play in a dome, for starters. Yuck.
Minnesota: I live with a Vikings fan. Purple is not my color, and I look silly in a Helga hat. Also a dome team.
St. Louis: My sister's ex is their starting fullback. Isaac Bruce has been a mainstay on my fantasy football teams for the better part of a decade. Their offense runs on jet fuel. They finally got rid of Kurt Warner and his Susan Powter-wannabe wife. But they're somewhat of a geographic rival to the Bears, and they're another team that moved...leaving the second-largest city in the country without a football team. Plus, they too play in a dome.
New York: In a way, I can relate to them. Much like my White Sox, they share the city stage with another team that gets a lot more hype. Hell, they even PLAY in a stadium named for the other team. Joe Namath's guar-un-tee of a Super Bowl win was unprecendented. But they're the AFC East team directly responsible for keeping the Bills out of the playoffs, so no can do.
Atlanta: They play in Atlanta, and Michael Vick is their quarterback. That's all I really know about them...these birds fly way under the radar.
Philadelphia: They're kinda like the Atlanta Braves of football. Always in the playoffs, but they never go all the way. After 3 mini-disappointments this weekend with adopted teams, I don't need another one within the next couple weeks. I would like to see them thump the Vikes though.
New England: Please, whatever deity it is that I believe in, don't let the Pats win again. The collective national load-blowing over them winning last year combined with the Red Sox winning the World Series made me want to puke. What's the deal with a team named after a region, anyway? Why aren't they still the Boston Patriots? Why not call them the New England Patriots of Boston and Providence Plantations?
So I guess that leaves me with Pittsburgh. Nice working class town with a strong football tradition. Great history--Bradshaw, Harris and the Immaculate Reception, The Steel Curtain. This year an unheralded rookie QB from a snooty nerd school in Ohio comes along and marches them through the regular season. Plus, they play in a field named after a late, great Republican senator (who granted, made a questionable choice in who he married). My ex-girlfriend Lynne's father was a big fan of the Steelers...Sundays would often find him sitting in their frunchroom
swirling Carlo Rossi wine in a glass and grunting at the TV. He was a good guy, and I guess this year I'm pulling for his team.
So, um, go Steelers, I guess.
You see, the football fates have never been kind to me. The 2 teams that I pull for have had a combined total of 3 playoff appearances since the start of the 1998-1999 season. All 3 were spectacular losses...Buffalo got spanked by Miami in 1999, lost to Tennessee on a forward pass that the refs said wasn't in 2000, and da Bears were roundly thumped by the Eagles in the last game ever at Old Soldier Field.
So every January, I try to find a team to root for for a month so I can at least have a little fun during the playoffs. A couple years ago, I pulled for the Buccaneers, since my Dad lives in Tampa and has jumped on their bandwagon..and they went all the way. Last year, I pulled for Carolina and they made it all the way to the Big One, but fell victim to Adam Viniateri's ne'er-miss right foot.
This year, I decided I'd pull for Seattle. It's the most beautiful city in the country, my Mom lives there, they have a great stadium, rabid fans, cool throwback unis and their all-time leading reciever went on to be a Congressman. But alas, they fell victim to the Rams and their ping-pong offense, so by 7:00 I needed to find a new flavor of the week.
No worries though, there was always the Chargers! 13-3 in the regular season, coached by the legendary Marty Schottenheimer, and Doug Flutie's their backup QB. Surely they'd thump the lowly Jets, right? WRONG. Nate Keading pulled a Scott Norwood, Doug Brien pulled an Adam Vinatieri, game over, Chargers go home.
I like the Broncos and really have no feelings for the Colts (there's something about teams who pack up in the dead of night and move that's a little unsettling), but knew that the three-headed Manningharrisonjamesasaurus would prevail over Jake the Snake...and I was right.
As a Bears fan, I'm supposed to hate the Packers. But as I've said before, I really don't. I have nothing but respect for the little team that plays in the little stadium in the little town up where Jesus lost his snowshoes, and I really wanted to see them thump the pampered punkass Vikings on the frozen tundra of Lambeau. But Brett Favre threw picks, Ahman Green dropped balls, and that damned Randy Moss hobbled all over the field and send the Packers, well, packing.
So what's a football fan to do?
Let's see who's left:
Indy: Like I said, they don't do anything for me. They play in a dome, for starters. Yuck.
Minnesota: I live with a Vikings fan. Purple is not my color, and I look silly in a Helga hat. Also a dome team.
St. Louis: My sister's ex is their starting fullback. Isaac Bruce has been a mainstay on my fantasy football teams for the better part of a decade. Their offense runs on jet fuel. They finally got rid of Kurt Warner and his Susan Powter-wannabe wife. But they're somewhat of a geographic rival to the Bears, and they're another team that moved...leaving the second-largest city in the country without a football team. Plus, they too play in a dome.
New York: In a way, I can relate to them. Much like my White Sox, they share the city stage with another team that gets a lot more hype. Hell, they even PLAY in a stadium named for the other team. Joe Namath's guar-un-tee of a Super Bowl win was unprecendented. But they're the AFC East team directly responsible for keeping the Bills out of the playoffs, so no can do.
Atlanta: They play in Atlanta, and Michael Vick is their quarterback. That's all I really know about them...these birds fly way under the radar.
Philadelphia: They're kinda like the Atlanta Braves of football. Always in the playoffs, but they never go all the way. After 3 mini-disappointments this weekend with adopted teams, I don't need another one within the next couple weeks. I would like to see them thump the Vikes though.
New England: Please, whatever deity it is that I believe in, don't let the Pats win again. The collective national load-blowing over them winning last year combined with the Red Sox winning the World Series made me want to puke. What's the deal with a team named after a region, anyway? Why aren't they still the Boston Patriots? Why not call them the New England Patriots of Boston and Providence Plantations?
So I guess that leaves me with Pittsburgh. Nice working class town with a strong football tradition. Great history--Bradshaw, Harris and the Immaculate Reception, The Steel Curtain. This year an unheralded rookie QB from a snooty nerd school in Ohio comes along and marches them through the regular season. Plus, they play in a field named after a late, great Republican senator (who granted, made a questionable choice in who he married). My ex-girlfriend Lynne's father was a big fan of the Steelers...Sundays would often find him sitting in their frunchroom
swirling Carlo Rossi wine in a glass and grunting at the TV. He was a good guy, and I guess this year I'm pulling for his team.
So, um, go Steelers, I guess.
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